Three hours after I turned 20 (at least in Austin-Standard-Time), I realize that i’m not a teenager anymore. Crap. I think this is when the panic sets in. I thought of a good analogy today. Now that i’ve turned 20, I’m at the top of a hill, watching all of my 21-year-old friends fly down and have a great time. I can also see my 18 and 19 year-old-friends trudge up this hill. But i’m still left at the top, wondering what the hell i’m doing.
Such an anti-climatic age it is. I suppose it does have its own sense of accomplishment. When I was little, I always imagined what it would be like to be 15 years old. Now i’m 20… I guess i’m denying it.
I haven’t really updated on our project here at IBM. We’re pretty much cruising along, getting lots of stuff done. We’ve been flying.. we were the first team to pass our first level of success, and the first team to file a patent. As such, we got a few prizes. In a greater sense, i’m learning so much here. I’m gaining so much experience in designing large-scale applications, and being around people who have various skill sets, I’m finding that I’m getting a greater set of tools to work with in designing. I’m also learning the business importance of technology, and being able to speak effectively to customers about our product.
More importantly though, this entire experience has helped me get some confidence. In a not-so-great phase of my life, this kind of challenge came at just the right time. Being able to design the core parts of the project, and being given the chance to speak in front of large crowds has really boosted that confidence that’s been lacking in the past 6 months. I’ve also found that… it’s fine to be myself.
In 15 minutes on a single day last week, my manager dumped on me the most praise i’ve ever gotten in my life. I was so shocked that I had to go to the bathroom right after I got out of that meeting, stare at myself in the mirror, remember everything that happened in the past 6 months, and encourage myself to keep going… to understand that good things happen when I work hard, and that even though I’ll never know how or why things work out the way they do, I’m forever thankful to whoever or whatever is allowing me the opportunities to change the way I think about who I am.
